Finding Your Purpose When Your Identity Has Been Rewritten
By Vince — Single dad of two. Real about the hard days. Makes mac and cheese from scratch. ·
It’s 6:45 AM on a Tuesday. I’m standing in my kitchen in Columbus, scraping burnt bits of scrambled eggs off a pan while Emma tries to find her left sneaker and Jack is currently deciding that he refuses to wear anything that doesn't have a dinosaur on it.
Three years ago, my life looked a lot different. I was the guy with the five-year plan, the steady marriage, and a career trajectory that felt like a straight line. Then, the divorce happened. The floor dropped out. For a long time, I felt like I was just drifting, waiting for someone to hand me a new set of blueprints. I thought 'purpose' was some big, neon sign that was supposed to hit me after a long weekend in the mountains.
Spoiler alert: It doesn't work like that. If you’re waiting for a lightning bolt to tell you who you are, you’re going to be waiting a long time. Purpose isn't something you find under a rock; it’s something you build, one day at a time, often while you’re just trying to survive the morning commute.
Stop Looking for the 'Big Why' and Start Looking at the 'Right Now'
When you’re in the thick of it—juggling a job, co-parenting, and trying to figure out how to be an adult on your own—'purpose' feels like a luxury for people who have assistants and personal trainers. But here’s the reality: purpose is just the intersection of what you’re responsible for and what you actually care about.
I used to think my purpose was being a ‘Project Manager.’ That was my title, my salary, my ego. When the divorce happened, I felt like I lost my job description. But then I looked at the kitchen table. My purpose wasn't the spreadsheet I was managing at work; it was the fact that I was the one teaching Jack how to hold a spoon and making sure Emma felt safe enough to talk about her day at school.
If you feel lost, stop looking at the horizon. Look at your feet. What are the tasks in your life that you actually show up for, even when you’re tired? That’s where your purpose is hiding.
The Audit: Distinguishing Between 'Should' and 'Would'
We spend so much of our lives doing what we think we 'should' do. I should be further along in my career. I should be dating more. I should have a cleaner house.
Here’s a practical exercise I do every few months when the static in my head gets too loud. Get a piece of paper—or a napkin, I’m not picky—and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write down everything you do in a week that feels like a heavy lift because someone else expects it. On the other side, write down the things you do that, even when they’re hard, make you feel like you.
For me, the 'should' list was full of networking events I hated and trying to keep up with social media trends. The 'would' list? It was my kids, my side projects, and, weirdly enough, the process of perfecting my mac and cheese recipe. It sounds small, but when you strip away the 'shoulds,' you realize you’ve been ignoring the things that actually anchor you.
Purpose is a Practice, Not a Destination
I treat my purpose like a construction project. You don't build a skyscraper by staring at the finished rendering. You build it by laying the foundation, then the steel, then the glass.
If your purpose feels foggy, start small. Pick one thing you can commit to for 30 days that aligns with who you want to be. Maybe it’s reading a book with your kids every night, or maybe it’s finally tackling that certification at work. It doesn't have to be earth-shattering. It just has to be consistent.
Consistency builds confidence, and confidence is usually what we’re actually lacking when we say we’ve 'lost our purpose.' We’re just scared that we’re moving in the wrong direction. But as long as you’re moving, you’re correcting your course. You’re not stuck; you’re just in the middle of a renovation.
Give Yourself Permission to Change the Blueprint
There’s a lot of pressure to 'find your calling' and stick to it until you retire. But look, I’m 36. My interests have changed, my life has changed, and my kids are growing up fast. If I’m still trying to be the same guy I was at 25, I’m going to fail.
You are allowed to pivot. You are allowed to decide that what mattered to you last year isn't the priority this year. That isn't a sign of weakness or indecision; it’s a sign that you’re paying attention.
At the end of the day, purpose is just a fancy word for showing up. It’s showing up for your kids, showing up for your team at work, and showing up for yourself when the house is finally quiet and the dishes are done. That’s the work. That’s the project. And honestly? It’s enough.
So, what’s one thing you’re doing today that actually feels like you? I’m curious to hear how you’re navigating the mess. Leave a comment or shoot me a message—let’s talk about it.