Finding Your Purpose When Your Life Looks Nothing Like You Planned
By Vince — Single dad of two. Real about the hard days. Makes mac and cheese from scratch. ·
The Tuesday Night Reality Check
It was 7:45 PM on a Tuesday. I was standing in my kitchen in Columbus, scraping burnt bits of crust off the bottom of a saucepan. Emma was crying because she couldn’t find her favorite hair tie, and Jack was literally trying to climb the pantry door like a spider monkey. The mac and cheese was—miraculously—actually decent, but the kitchen looked like a disaster zone.
I stopped for a second, gripped the edge of the counter, and just breathed. This wasn’t the life I mapped out when I was 25. Back then, “purpose” meant climbing the ladder at the construction firm, maybe a big house in the suburbs, and a picture-perfect family unit. At 36, divorced, doing the solo-dad shuffle most of the week, and navigating a life that feels like it’s held together by duct tape and sheer willpower, the definition of “purpose” had to change.
We love to romanticize purpose. We treat it like it's this glowing, singular North Star that you find on a mountaintop, usually while listening to a podcast about high-performance habits. But sometimes, when your life gets blown up, you realize that purpose isn’t a destination. It’s just the act of showing up for the things that actually matter.
Purpose Isn’t a Promotion
In my line of work—construction project management—purpose is easy to spot on paper. You have a blueprint. You have a timeline. You have a budget. You pour concrete, you frame walls, you finish the job. If only life worked like a commercial build.
After Amanda and I split, I spent a few months feeling like I’d lost my blueprint. I felt like I was just drifting, trying to keep the kids fed and the bills paid. I kept looking for some grand mission statement to justify why my life looked the way it did. I thought, Maybe I should start a side business, or train for a marathon, or do something ‘big’ to prove I’m still on track.
But that’s a trap. When you’re in the middle of a reset, chasing “big” stuff is usually just a distraction from the quiet work of rebuilding. I realized that my purpose wasn’t about building a skyscraper; it was about being the guy who makes sure the foundation is solid for Emma and Jack. That’s not a martyr complex. That’s just reality. If I don’t do it, who will?
The “Small Stakes” Audit
If you’re feeling adrift, stop looking for a grand, cinematic purpose. Start with a “Small Stakes” audit. This is something I’ve done every six months since the divorce, and it keeps me from spinning out.
Take a piece of paper—or just use your phone notes—and list the three things you do every day that, if you stopped doing them, would actually make your life worse. Not “would make me less successful,” but “would make my life worse.”
For me, it’s: 1. Walking the kids to school when I have them. 2. Keeping the kitchen clean enough to cook in. 3. Showing up at work with a clear head (even if I’m tired).
That’s it. Those are my pillars. When I focus on those, I feel like I have a purpose. Everything else—career growth, hobbies, social life—is a bonus. If you can’t find your purpose, it’s usually because you’re looking at the ceiling, ignoring the floorboards you’re standing on.
Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Direction
If you’re stuck, don’t try to overhaul your identity in a weekend. That’s how you end up burnt out on a Wednesday. Try these three things instead:
1. Identify Your “Non-Negotiable” Role What is the one role you play that you are most proud of? Is it being a reliable brother? A good neighbor? A dad who actually listens? Own that. Don’t downplay it. Your purpose is often hidden in the roles you feel obligated to fulfill.
2. Stop Trying to “Fix” Your Past I wasted a lot of energy early on trying to “fix” the fact that I’m a divorced dad. I wanted to prove to everyone—my ex, my parents, my neighbors—that I was doing okay. Once I stopped trying to prove anything and just started focusing on being present, the anxiety dropped. You aren’t fixing your past; you are building your present.
3. Build a Ritual, Not a Goal Goals are great, but rituals are what get you through the bad days. My ritual is cooking from scratch. It takes time, it’s messy, and it’s a pain in the ass some nights. But it forces me to slow down and do something tangible for the people I love. Find a ritual that grounds you. It could be reading for 15 minutes, hitting the gym, or just sitting on the porch with a coffee before the chaos starts.
You Are the Project Manager of Your Own Life
Look, I know the days are long. I know the feeling of staring at the ceiling at 2 AM, wondering if you’re doing it right. But purpose isn't about being perfect. It’s about being the person who stays on site when things get complicated.
You don’t need to be a visionary. You just need to be a guy who shows up. That’s enough. It’s always been enough.
I’m currently trying to figure out how to get Jack interested in something other than Legos—maybe soccer this fall? It’s a work in progress. How about you? What’s one thing you’re doing today that feels like it actually matters? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear how you’re keeping the foundation solid.