Networking Tips for People Who Actually Hate Networking
By Dante — Emotionally available. Yes, we exist. No, I won't explain your ex to you. Okay fine, I will. ·
Let’s Stop Calling It Networking
I’m a UX designer. My job is literally to figure out how humans interact with digital products, which usually involves a lot of empathy and a lot of observing people being frustrated in real-time. But put me in a room with a “networking” badge stuck to my chest, and I turn into a socially anxious teenager trying to hide behind the snack table.
We’ve been sold this idea that networking is about aggressive handshakes, business cards that look like tiny billboards, and “synergy.” It feels transactional, slimy, and, honestly, a lot like dating apps. Everyone is there to get something, which makes everyone inherently guarded.
If you hate networking, it’s probably because you’re treating it like a sales pitch. You aren’t a product, and you aren’t a lead. You’re a person. Let’s reframe this: Networking is just relationship management. And if you’ve ever survived a breakup or maintained a friendship, you already have the skills. You just need to stop performing.
The “Ex” Rule: Stop Being Needy
Think about the last time you went on a date with someone who was clearly looking for a “fixer-upper” or someone to fill a void in their life. You backed away, right? Networking is the same.
When you approach someone at a conference or reach out on LinkedIn because you’re desperate for a job, you’re radiating that same frantic energy. People can smell it. It triggers their internal “I’m being sold to” alarm.
Instead, focus on the “Mutual Value” principle. You don’t need to offer a job or money. You offer perspective. Maybe you read a cool article about their industry, or you saw they launched a project you genuinely admire. Send a note that says: “Hey, I saw [project]. I loved how you handled [specific detail]. I’m in the same field and found that approach really refreshing.” That’s it. No ask. No “can I pick your brain?” (which, by the way, is the most exhausting phrase in the English language).
UX Your Outreach
In my line of work, we talk about “friction.” If a user has to click five times to do something simple, they bounce. Your networking messages have the same problem.
If you send a wall of text to a stranger, you’ve created high friction. They have to read, process, and figure out how to respond to your life story. If you want a response, lower the barrier to entry.
Keep it to three sentences. 1. Who you are. 2. Why you’re reaching out (specifically). 3. A low-stakes closing.
Example: “Hi [Name], I’m Dante, a UX designer in Chicago. I’ve been following your work on [Project] and love the user flow. No need to reply, just wanted to share some appreciation for the design work.”
See that? “No need to reply” is the ultimate power move. It gives them an out, which ironically makes them more likely to respond because you’ve removed the pressure. You’re being emotionally available without being a burden.
The Maintenance Phase (Or, Why Ghosts Don’t Win)
Most people treat networking like a lottery ticket: buy it once, pray for a win, forget about it. That’s not how human relationships work. If you only text your friends when you need to borrow their truck, you’re not a friend; you’re a user.
Set a reminder for three months. Send a “Hey, I saw this and thought of our conversation” message. It doesn’t have to be big. It’s just a ping to say, “I’m still here, and I value this connection.”
Therapy taught me that consistency is the only thing that actually builds trust. Whether it’s a romantic partner or a potential mentor, trust isn’t built on grand gestures. It’s built on the boring, consistent act of showing up.
Stop Overthinking the 'Perfect' Contact
We spend so much time trying to find the “perfect” person—the CEO, the recruiter, the big-wig—that we ignore the people right next to us.
Your next opportunity is probably sitting in your current circle or one degree away. Your peers are your best assets. They are the ones who will be in positions of power in five years. Build with them now while you’re both still eating lukewarm office pizza and complaining about the project management software. Grow together. It’s less performative and infinitely more sustainable.
Final Thoughts: Just Be a Human
Stop trying to “network.” Start trying to be a person who is genuinely interested in other people’s work. If you’re curious, you’ll never run out of things to talk about. If you’re helpful, people will remember you. And if you keep your ego in check, you’ll find that the “professional world” is actually just a bunch of people who are just as nervous as you are, hoping someone will just be real with them for five minutes.
So, go send that email. Or don’t. But if you’re currently spiraling over a message you sent that got “left on read,” let’s talk about it. Seriously, hit me up and tell me what’s going on. We can break down the reply (or lack thereof) over coffee, real or virtual.