Stop Dating Your 'Purpose': How to Actually Find Your Purpose Without the Crisis
By Nina — I'm the friend who tells you what you need to hear about your situationship. ·
Look, Your Purpose Isn’t a Soulmate
I was at a rooftop bar in Williamsburg last Friday, nursing a spicy margarita and listening to a friend—let’s call her Sarah—explain why she’s currently 'in a transition.' She’s spent three months rotating between life coaching certifications, pottery classes, and a sudden, inexplicable interest in urban beekeeping. She told me, dead serious, 'Nina, I just feel like I haven’t found my purpose yet. I’m waiting for that lightning bolt moment where everything clicks.'
I looked at her, then looked at my drink. 'Sarah,' I said, 'you’re treating your purpose like a guy you met on Hinge. You’re waiting for it to sweep you off your feet, tell you exactly who you are, and give you a sense of completion. And just like those guys, it’s going to leave you disappointed.'
We’ve been sold this lie that 'finding your purpose' is some grand, cinematic event. We think it’s a destination we arrive at once we’ve done enough shadow work or quit our jobs to move to Bali. But here’s the truth: your purpose isn’t a person you’re dating. It’s not something you find under a rock or in a meditation retreat. It’s something you build, usually while you’re exhausted, broke, or just trying to get through a Tuesday.
Stop Romanticizing Your ‘Why’
When I got out of my three-year relationship, I had a massive identity crisis. My entire life had been curated around being 'the girlfriend.' When that ended, I felt like a ghost. I spent weeks trying to 'find myself' by doing things I thought were deep, like journaling in silence at 6:00 AM. Spoiler alert: I just ended up tired and cynical.
I realized that I was looking for a purpose because I wanted an excuse to stop being uncomfortable. We want a 'purpose' so we can stop feeling the anxiety of not knowing what we’re doing. But newsflash: the anxiety is the point. That discomfort? That’s just you growing. If you’re waiting for a clear sign from the universe to give you permission to start living, you’re going to be waiting until you’re eighty.
The ‘Situationship’ Approach to Purpose
If you want to stop spinning your wheels, stop treating your purpose like a long-term commitment you haven't signed a lease on yet. Instead, treat it like a trial run.
Here is how you actually figure out what you’re doing with your life, without the existential dread:
1. Stop the ‘Searching’ and Start the ‘Doing’: If you think you might like graphic design, don’t sign up for a $4,000 bootcamp. Open Canva, find a project, and do it. If you hate it, you just saved yourself three months and a car payment. Most of us are so afraid of finding the wrong purpose that we do nothing at all. Get messy. Fail at a few things. It’s the only way to filter out the noise.
2. Look at Where You Already Spend Your Energy: What do people ask you for help with? When I was in PR, I realized people kept coming to me for advice on their messy relationships, not because I was a therapist, but because I didn't sugarcoat the reality. I wasn't 'finding' my voice; I was already using it. Pay attention to what you do for free that others struggle to do at all.
3. Audit Your ‘Shoulds’: Are you looking for a purpose because you want to, or because you saw a reel of some influencer looking peaceful in a linen dress? If your ‘purpose’ feels like another chore on your to-do list, it’s not a purpose. It’s a performance. If it doesn't make you feel a little bit dangerous or excited, it’s just another social construct.
Embrace the Pivot
We love to talk about our 'calling' like it’s a permanent career choice. But we’re humans, not robots. What lights you up at 28 might bore you to tears at 32. And that is okay!
Stop trying to find a purpose that lasts for the next fifty years. Find a purpose that makes this next season interesting. Maybe your purpose for the next six months is to get really good at public speaking. Maybe it’s to fix your sleep schedule. Maybe it’s just to become the person who actually sets boundaries at work.
When I stopped trying to 'find my purpose' and started just trying to be a person I actually liked hanging out with, everything else fell into place. My work, my friendships, and my energy shifted. Because when you stop chasing the idea of a destination, you start noticing the view from where you’re currently standing.
The Reality Check
You don’t need a mission statement. You don’t need to quit your job and move to the woods. You just need to stop lying to yourself about what actually keeps you up at night—and what actually makes you want to get out of bed in the morning.
So, quit the soul-searching. It’s overrated. Start doing the work, stay curious, and stop waiting for a sign. You’re the one holding the pen, so stop waiting for someone else to write the script for you.
Are you currently stuck in a 'purpose situationship'? Let’s talk about it. Slide into my DMs or drop a comment below—tell me what you’re doing to distract yourself from the real work, and I’ll tell you exactly why you need to stop. Let’s get real.