Stop Leading Like You’re Trapped in a Situationship: Real Leadership Skills for Your Life
By Nina — I'm the friend who tells you what you need to hear about your situationship. ·
Your Career Isn’t a ‘Talking Stage’
I was grabbing a matcha in Williamsburg the other day with a girl I’ve been coaching, and she looked at me with those tired, wide eyes and said, “Nina, how do I get my boss to see my potential without, like, annoying them?”
I almost spit out my oat milk. I looked at her and said, “You’re talking about your director like you’re waiting for a guy to text you back after a third date. You’re waiting for validation, you’re performing, and you’re terrified of being ‘too much.’”
It clicked right there. We spend so much time obsessing over our romantic situationships that we’ve started applying that same toxic, passive-aggressive energy to our careers. We act like our managers are fickle lovers who might ‘ghost’ us if we ask for a promotion or suggest a new strategy. That isn’t leadership. That’s just being a passenger in your own life. If you want to actually lead—whether you’re managing a team of ten or just trying to lead yourself out of a dead-end cubicle—you need to stop treating your career like a situationship that you’re just hoping won't end.
Stop Seeking ‘Permission’ to be Powerful
In my PR agency, I’ve seen the smartest, most capable people crumble because they’re waiting for a green light that isn't coming. They think leadership means following the process perfectly until someone notices how ‘good’ they are. Newsflash: The people who actually get ahead aren’t the ones waiting for a pat on the head; they’re the ones who recognize that the door was never locked in the first place.
Leadership is about making a decision when the data is messy and the outcome is uncertain. Most people are so scared of ‘getting it wrong’ that they’d rather do nothing at all. That’s the same energy as staying in a relationship with someone who refuses to label things because you’re terrified that asking for clarity will make them bolt. If you’re afraid to make a move because you might be ‘wrong,’ you aren’t leading. You’re just hiding.
The ‘Emotional Intelligence’ Trap
We love to throw around the term ‘emotional intelligence’ like it’s a buzzword for being nice. But here’s the truth: Real emotional intelligence is having the guts to have the hard conversation. It’s the ability to look at your team, or your life, and say, “This isn’t working.”
If you’re avoiding conflict because you want to be the ‘cool girl’ or the ‘chill employee,’ you aren’t being a leader; you’re being a doormat. Leadership requires the care to call people out. When I’m managing a project and things go south, I don’t coddle the failure. I say, “This is where it broke, here’s how we fix it, and here’s how we make sure we don’t look like idiots next time.” That’s not mean—that’s respect. You owe it to the people around you to tell them the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. Being a caregiver doesn't mean you let people drive their cars off a cliff; it means you grab the wheel before they do.
Actionable Steps to Actually Own Your Space
If you’re tired of being the person who just ‘goes with the flow’ until you burn out, try these three things starting tomorrow morning:
1. Kill the ‘Just’ and ‘Maybe’ modifiers: Watch your emails for a day. Are you saying, “I just wanted to check…” or “Maybe we could look at…”? Stop it. It makes you sound like an apology waiting to happen. You don’t need to apologize for doing your job or having an idea. State your piece. Period.
2. Identify your ‘Non-Negotiables’: In dating, we have a list of things we won’t tolerate. In work, we act like everything is negotiable. What’s your boundary for your time? For the quality of work you’re willing to put your name on? If you don’t have a line in the sand, everyone else is going to walk all over you. Define it, communicate it, and then don't budge.
3. Practice ‘Disagreeable’ Clarity: Next time you’re in a meeting and you know the strategy is going to fail, say it. Not with a smirk, not with an attitude, but with facts. “I don't think this is going to get us the results we want, and here’s why.” It’s going to feel scary the first time. You might feel like you’re being ‘difficult.’ You aren't. You’re being effective.
You Are the Director of Your Own PR
At the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for your reputation. If you show up acting like you’re waiting for someone else to tell you your worth, that’s exactly how you’ll be treated. People treat you based on how they see you treating yourself. If you treat your career like a delicate, fragile thing that needs constant protection, people will treat you like a subordinate. If you treat it like a business you are running with total clarity and conviction, people will start to get out of your way.
Stop playing small to make other people feel comfortable. The world has enough people-pleasers. What we actually need are leaders who can look at the chaos, acknowledge the reality of the situation, and decide to build something that actually matters.
Drop a comment below or shoot me a message—what’s one ‘situationship’ habit you realize you’re bringing into your professional life? Let’s work on breaking it. I'm listening.