Finding Your Purpose When You’ve Already Had to Burn the Map
By Sam — Divorced at 34. Rebuilt everything. Here to tell you the second chapter is better. ·
It’s May in Portland. The cherry blossoms are doing that thing where they look like confetti on the wet pavement, and Frank—my rescue greyhound who has more gray hair than I do—is currently snoring at my feet.
Four years ago, if you had asked me about my ‘purpose,’ I would have pointed to my LinkedIn title. I was a marketing director for a Fortune 500, clocking sixty-hour weeks, managing a team of twenty, and effectively living a life that someone else had designed for me. Then, at 34, my life did a backflip. My marriage ended, my trajectory shattered, and I found myself sitting in an empty apartment with a toddler and a lot of quiet.
I spent a long time thinking that ‘finding your purpose’ was something you did in your twenties, usually while backpacking through Europe. But when you hit rock bottom, you realize that purpose isn’t a destination you reach. It’s a muscle you build in the wreckage.
The Myth of the ‘Grand Calling’
We’ve been sold a lie that purpose is a single, golden ticket. We think it’s a burning bush moment where the universe whispers your career trajectory into your ear. But in my experience—and trust me, I’ve been through enough ‘reset’ buttons to know—purpose isn’t a noun. It’s a verb.
When I was transitioning from corporate life to consulting for startups, I wasn’t looking for a ‘calling.’ I was looking for a way to show up for Lily, pay the rent, and reclaim my autonomy. What I discovered is that purpose is found in the intersection of what you’re good at, what keeps you curious, and what allows you to sleep soundly on a Tuesday night.
Stop Looking for ‘It’ and Start Following the Friction
If you’re feeling lost, stop trying to meditate your way to an answer. Instead, look at where you feel the most friction in your life.
Friction is actually a compass. When I was in corporate, the friction was the bureaucracy—I hated the slow crawl of decision-making. When I started consulting, the ‘friction’ became the challenge of helping a founder articulate their vision in under thirty seconds. That wasn’t annoyance; that was intellectual stimulation.
Ask yourself: What problems do you find yourself complaining about constantly? That’s not just negativity; that’s a signal. If you’re complaining about the lack of honesty in a specific industry, maybe your purpose is to be the one who brings transparency to it. If you’re frustrated by how hard it is to find good coffee or reliable childcare or efficient software, you’ve found a pain point. And where there is a pain point, there is an opportunity to contribute something real.
The ‘Explorer’s Audit’
If you’re stuck, I want you to try this exercise. It’s how I rebuilt my own identity when the old one didn't fit anymore.
1. The Energy Audit: For one week, track every task you do. Note which ones leave you feeling drained and which ones leave you feeling ‘lit up’—even if they were hard. 2. The Childhood Curiosity Test: What were you obsessed with before the world told you what was ‘practical’? I used to love telling stories and organizing chaos. That’s essentially what I do now as a consultant. I never really changed; I just stopped trying to fit that personality into a corporate box. 3. The Contribution Metric: Ask: Who benefits if I show up today? If the answer is ‘only me,’ keep digging. Purpose is almost always tied to being useful to someone else.
Why Growth Requires Destruction
People often ask me if I regret the implosion of my 34th year. And I’m always honest: I’d never choose the pain of it again, but I’d never trade the clarity it gave me.
Sometimes, you have to let the old version of yourself fail. You have to let the job go, the relationship end, or the status symbol dissolve so you can see what’s actually underneath. You are not your job title. You are not your marital status. You are the person who is left standing when the dust settles, and that person is allowed to choose a new path.
Practical Steps for This Week
Don’t wait for the universe to align. Start small:
- Pick one project that is purely ‘you.’ Not for money, not for a resume, but something that forces you to solve a problem you care about.
- Audit your inputs. Who are you listening to? If your feed is full of people living lives you don’t actually want, hit unfollow. Your environment dictates your evolution.
- Talk to someone who is five years ahead of you. Not someone you envy, but someone whose ‘vibe’ you respect. Ask them what their day-to-day actually looks like. It’s usually much more mundane and much more rewarding than you’d think.
Rebuilding isn't a linear process. It’s messy. It involves late nights with a senior dog who needs to go out and early mornings trying to pack a school lunch while answering emails. But it’s yours. And honestly? The view from this side of the mountain is better than I ever imagined it could be.
Finding your purpose isn't about finding a map. It’s about realizing you’re the one holding the compass.
Are you feeling like you’re in the middle of your own ‘reset’? I’d love to hear what’s on your mind. Drop a comment below or send me a message—let’s talk about what the second chapter looks like for you.