Why Your Goal Setting Strategy Needs a Total Reset
By Sam — Divorced at 34. Rebuilt everything. Here to tell you the second chapter is better. ·
The Problem with the 'Finish Line' Mentality
I remember sitting in my kitchen in Atlanta, just a few months after my divorce papers were finalized. I was 34, my life felt like a stack of papers tossed into a ceiling fan, and I caught myself doing what I’d always done: I opened a sleek Moleskine notebook and started writing a 5-year plan. I listed career milestones, fitness targets, and a timeline for ‘getting back out there.’
I was trying to build a cage for my new life before I even knew what it looked like. I treat goal setting like a chore, a box to check, a way to prove I was still a ‘functioning professional.’
Spoiler alert: I didn’t hit a single one of those goals in the way I thought I would. And thank God for that. Because if I had, I wouldn’t be here in Portland, consulting for startups that actually excite me, watching Frank—my stubborn, snoring senior basset hound—chase squirrels in the backyard, or being the kind of present parent Lily deserves.
We are taught that goal setting is about destination. But after losing everything I thought was my foundation, I learned that real growth isn’t about the destination. It’s about the demolition. If your goals are just trying to get you back to ‘normal,’ you’re setting yourself up for a sequel that’s just a worse version of the original. Let’s talk about how to set goals that actually survive the mess of real life.
Stop Setting Goals for the Person You Were
The biggest mistake I see when coaching people through their own ‘rebuild’ phases is that they are setting goals based on the person they were before the trauma, the layoff, or the divorce.
When we are in transition, we often feel a desperate need to reclaim our old stability. We set goals like ‘Get back to my old salary’ or ‘Restore my social life to how it was.’ That’s not growth; that’s regression.
Instead, I want you to perform a simple exercise. I call it the ‘Identity Audit.’ Ask yourself: Does this goal matter to the person I am today, or is it a relic of the person I was five years ago? If you’re chasing a promotion because you feel like that’s what a ‘successful 38-year-old’ does, but you actually crave more time to take your kid to the park or learn how to pottery, let that goal go. Destruction of old expectations is the first step toward actual progress.
The 'Three-Legged Stool' Framework
I’m a consultant; I love a good framework. But after the burnout of corporate life, I stripped mine down to the bare essentials. I call it the Three-Legged Stool of Intentional Living. For a goal to be worth your energy in June 2026, it needs to satisfy at least two of these three pillars:
1. Autonomy: Does this goal give me more control over my time or my environment? 2. Curiosity: Does this goal teach me a skill or show me a part of the world I haven't seen yet? 3. Connection: Does this goal deepen my relationship with myself, my daughter, or my community?
If a goal is just about 'more'—more money, more status, more noise—it will fail you the moment life gets difficult. Frank the dog doesn't care about my LinkedIn following, and honestly, neither does my daughter. They care that I’m present. Build your goals around that.
Actionable Tactics for the Restless
Once you’ve identified your pillars, don’t write a 12-month plan. I stopped doing that years ago. The world changes too fast, and frankly, so do we. Try these three things instead:
- The 90-Day Sprint: Forget the year-long outlook. What is one thing you can complete in 90 days that makes your life 1% better? Maybe it’s automating your invoicing, or finally taking that solo camping trip. Keep the horizon close.
- The 'Not-To-Do' List: We are so good at adding tasks to our plates. What are you going to stop doing? I stopped checking Slack after 6 PM. It was the best ‘goal’ I ever set for my mental health. What’s your version of that?
- Environment Design: If you want to write more, put your laptop on the desk at night. If you want to be healthier, pack your running gear in the car. Goals are just intentions; systems are what actually move the needle.
Embracing the Pivot
You’re going to fail at some of these, and that is exactly the point. The Explorer in me loves a detour. If you find out that the goal you set in March doesn't fit your life in June, burn the map and draw a new one. We’ve been through enough to know that nothing is permanent. That’s not a tragedy—it’s a superpower.
Your second chapter isn’t about hitting a predetermined set of marks. It’s about being bold enough to keep exploring until you find the version of your life that feels like you.
So, what’s one thing you’re going to stop chasing? Let’s talk about it. Hit reply or leave a comment below—I’m always around to help you navigate the pivot.
Stay brave,
Sam