Why Your 'Self-Care Routine' Is Actually Making You More Anxious
By Sophie — I'm not your therapist, but I'll listen like one. No judgment, just honest space. ·
The Luxury of Doing Nothing
I spent most of last week sitting on my fire escape, staring at a patch of sky between two pre-war buildings, doing absolutely nothing. Not listening to a self-development podcast, not scrolling through my ‘wellness’ saves on Instagram, not even sipping a matcha. Just sitting.
If you had told me five years ago, back when I was buried in clinical research journals and trying to ‘optimize’ every waking hour to keep my anxiety at bay, that doing nothing was a valid self-care routine, I would have laughed. I used to think self-care was a ritual to be performed: the skincare, the journaling, the 6:00 AM Pilates class, the green juice. I treated these things like medicine—doses I had to take to keep the version of myself that struggled with burnout and family trauma under control.
But here is the uncomfortable truth I’ve learned in my own therapy: when your self-care routine feels like a performance, it’s not care. It’s just another form of control. And control is often just anxiety wearing a very expensive robe.
The Trap of the 'Perfect' Ritual
We live in a culture that loves to commodify our need for peace. By mid-2026, the internet has convinced us that if we aren’t tracking our HRV, doing a cold plunge, or engaging in a gratitude practice that requires a specific leather-bound notebook, we’re failing at ‘wellness.’
I see it in my consulting calls every week. You’re exhausted, so you add a 45-minute meditation to your schedule, but then you feel guilty when you don’t do it perfectly, which leaves you feeling more depleted than before. That’s not a routine; that’s a chore list. We’ve turned the act of coming back to ourselves into a series of tasks that we can either pass or fail.
When I talk about a self-care routine, I’m not talking about what you add to your calendar. I’m talking about how you treat yourself when the calendar is overwhelming.
Moving from Performance to Presence
If you want to build a routine that actually supports your mental health, you have to stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself and start trying to ‘meet’ yourself.
My own routine has changed drastically over the last few years. It’s no longer about hitting a specific set of benchmarks. Instead, I use what I call the 'Check-In Baseline.' It’s a three-step process that I use when I feel that familiar tightness in my chest—the kind that reminds me of the years I spent people-pleasing to earn my dad’s approval.
1. The Physical Scan (What does my body need, not what does it lack?)
Instead of forcing a workout, I ask: Does my body need to discharge energy (a walk, a stretch) or does it need to conserve energy (a nap, a quiet room)? Stop guessing what your body should want and start listening to what it’s actually screaming for. If you’re burnt out, a HIIT class isn’t self-care; it’s an demand.
2. The Cognitive Audit (Whose voice is this?)
When you feel the pressure to ‘get it together,’ ask yourself: Is this my requirement, or am I trying to meet someone else’s standard? We often adopt productivity habits to feel safe. If you find yourself doing a ‘wellness’ activity, pause. If you’re doing it because you’re afraid of what happens if you don’t, that’s not self-care—that’s a survival mechanism. Acknowledge it, thank it for trying to keep you safe, and then let it go.
3. The 'Low-Bar' Commitment
Most of us aim for the high bar—the 60-minute yoga flow, the deep-cleansing skincare routine. When we miss it, we spiral. Instead, set a ‘low-bar’ self-care commitment. Mine is simply washing my face and drinking a glass of water. If I do those two things, I have succeeded. Anything else is just a bonus. This removes the shame cycle entirely.
Self-Care as an Act of Rebellion
In a world that wants you to be a productive machine, choosing to be a human being is a radical act. Sometimes, my self-care routine is just closing my laptop at 5:00 PM and refusing to look at my phone for three hours. Sometimes, it’s telling a friend, “I don’t have the capacity for this conversation right now,” even if I’m worried they’ll be disappointed.
True self-care isn’t always pretty. It’s not always a scented candle or a quiet morning. Sometimes, it’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s deeply personal. It’s about honoring your boundaries and your capacity, even when it’s inconvenient for everyone else.
You don’t need a new routine. You need to stop making your existence a project to be managed. You are already worthy of care, exactly as you are—whether you did your manifestation journaling today or not.
What does your ‘low-bar’ look like today? I’m always here to listen if you need to vent about the pressure to be ‘perfectly well.’ Shoot me a message—let’s talk it through properly.
Stay soft, Sophie