Your Self-Care Routine Is Probably Making You More Tired: A Reframe
By Sophie — I'm not your therapist, but I'll listen like one. No judgment, just honest space. ·
The 'Should' Trap
It’s September 2026. The air in Brooklyn is finally getting that crisp, ‘back-to-school’ edge, and everywhere I look—on my feed, in the corners of my favorite coffee shops, in my own DMs—people are talking about their 'fall reset' routines. We’re obsessed with the idea that if we just buy the right journal, wake up at 5:00 AM to do yoga, and master the art of the perfect green smoothie, we will finally arrive at this mythical state of 'having it together.'
I’ve been there. A few years ago, when I was deep in the trenches of clinical research, I treated my self-care like a second full-time job. I had a checklist for my morning routine that was so long it actually gave me anxiety before I even brushed my teeth. I thought if I just optimized hard enough, I could outrun my burnout and the complicated feelings I was having about my dad.
Spoiler alert: I couldn’t.
If your self-care routine feels like a chore, it’s not self-care. It’s just another form of performance. Let’s talk about how to stop performing and start actually nurturing your nervous system.
Moving From 'Optimization' to 'Regulation'
Most wellness advice treats us like machines that need constant calibration. But we’re humans, not software. When I talk about a self-care routine, I’m not talking about an hour-long ritual that requires a specific aesthetic. I’m talking about micro-practices that signal safety to your body.
After years of therapy and working with clients, I’ve learned that the most effective routines are the ones that require the least amount of ‘activation energy.’ If you’re already exhausted—and let’s be honest, who isn't these days?—you don’t need a complex routine. You need a baseline.
Here is the shift: Stop asking, 'What should I be doing to be healthier?' and start asking, 'What does my nervous system need in this exact moment to feel a little more grounded?'
The 'Low-Stakes' Menu
I love a good menu. Instead of a rigid daily schedule, I keep a 'Low-Stakes Menu' of things I know help me regulate. On days when I have capacity, I might do the whole list. On days when I’m struggling or feeling that old familiar hum of anxiety, I pick one thing.
Here’s what’s on my current list. Feel free to steal it, but remember: if it feels like a task, skip it.
1. The 'Transition' Pause: When I finish work, I don’t immediately jump to my phone. I sit in my chair for two minutes, feet flat on the floor, and I just notice where my body is making contact with the seat. It sounds simple, but it tells my brain that the 'work' version of Sophie is off-duty.
2. Sensory Grounding: I keep a small piece of velvet or a smooth stone in my pocket. When I’m spiraling about a relationship or a project, I just touch it. The texture brings me out of the story my head is telling and back into the physical world.
3. The 'Low-Effort' Movement: If I don’t have the energy for a workout, I just do a slow, intentional stretch while my coffee brews. No leggings, no gym, no 'fitness' goals. Just moving the stagnant air out of my ribcage.
Embracing the Mess
One of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had in my own therapy is realizing that self-care is often the thing I’m trying to avoid. Sometimes, my 'routine' is just letting myself be a mess. It’s giving myself permission to eat toast for dinner because I don’t have the mental bandwidth to chop vegetables. It’s closing my laptop at 4:30 PM because my brain is fried, even if I haven’t finished my to-do list.
True self-care is the radical act of being on your own side, even when you aren't at your best. It’s not about maintaining a pristine, 'well-adjusted' version of yourself. It’s about creating a soft place for the parts of you that are struggling to land.
What Are You Actually Forcing?
If you take one thing away from this, let it be this: Look at your current routine. Where are you forcing? Where are you 'should-ing' yourself into exhaustion?
Maybe it’s time to prune the list. Maybe the morning pages are great, but the 6:00 AM run is actually just adding cortisol to your system. Maybe the best self-care you can do this September is to give yourself permission to be a little less productive, a little less 'optimized,' and a little more human.
I’m curious—what’s one thing in your 'wellness' routine that you actually hate but keep doing because you think you have to? Let’s talk about it. I’m always hanging out in the comments, and I’d love to hear what’s really going on for you.
Take it slow this week, okay?
- Sophie